rabidchild.org | GregariusRSS

« Expand/Collapse

Get Your War On

Skip to page: 1 2 3 ... 7

January 06, 2009
16:04
Big Wine Night Tonight (Or Should I Say “To-Wine-ight?”)
» ‎ Get Your War On

Guys, something tells me we’re gonna get a big rush tonight. I don’t know why, I’m just getting that vibe. (A great salesman can always pick up on certain sub-audible tremors in the retail-o-sphere — and the tremors are BANGIN’ right now.)

I expect we’ll move some bottles tonight!

By the way? Just sold a bottle of MERLOT to a nice lady. Merlot, for you “wine-tards” out there who don’t know anything about wine, is just about one of the HOTTEST WINES around. It’s basically like a Cabernet, but has more of a “restaurant” vibe. As far as I’m concerned, it’s one of the top ten wines available these days.

In fact, I’m making Merlot my WINE OF THE DAY. (That means you have to buy fifty bottles of Merlot if you want to be my friend.)
14:20
Malbec
» ‎ Get Your War On

Just sold a bottle of organic Malbec . . . customer seemed very pleased. What can I say? “We endeavor to give satisfaction.”

About to make some more fresh bread for the evening rush . . . I’ll let you know how the customers react . . . LOL, I am learning their ways, controlling their very desires . . . YOU SHALL KNOW US BY THE TRAIL OF OUR WINE. . .
13:00
Players Only! Big Leagues!
» ‎ Get Your War On

ALERT — ALERT — MUST CREDIT MNFTIU.CC, THE HOTTEST NEW BLOG ABOUT WORKING IN A WINE STORE — ALERT

Beacon, NY — You thought we weren’t in the big leagues? YOU THOUGHT WRONG. My wife just sold a WHOLE CASE OF WINE to a customer! It was a case of red wine (red wine is one of the best types of wine; in fact, I would say it is the BEST wine currently available, until someone learns how to make a wine out of Preston Sturges comedies).

So, yeah, basically, we’re just selling the heck out of some wine right about now . . . come on down and get some of this awesome wine . . . you can buy a wine to go with just about any food other than waffles.
January 05, 2009
17:33
BREAKING — BREAKING — I Am A Genius — BREAKING
» ‎ Get Your War On

Beacon, NY — Remember how I said I was going to bake some bread to make the wine shop smell nice for customers?

TOTAL SUCCESS . . . EVERYONE IS COMMENTING ON THE WONDERFUL SMELLS COMING FROM THE KITCHEN . . . No surprise there; you put me in the same room as some flour and yeast, you know there’s gonna be trouble . . . mad loaves poppin’ out of the WOLF STOVE (by the way, that stove gets pretty cold, LOL, small burn on my finger right now, LOL stove not kickin’ very much butt) . . .

More customer sales initiatives tomorrow! For now, how about buying some wine?
15:56
Wine Strategies
» ‎ Get Your War On

Guys, I had a stroke of wine-related genius this afternoon. People love wine, right? And what goes well with wine? FOOD. People love to drink wine and eat food at the same time. And this wine store that I’m looking after has a world-class kitchen. It even has one of those stoves called “WOLF STOVE” that looks like it could cook a moose in about ten minutes.

So what’s my genius idea? I decided to bake some bread. When the evening rush starts, people will walk into the store and say, “Oh my God, what smells so good? Is that fresh bread?” and I’ll be like, “It is, and would you look to buy about fifty bottles of wine to go with it?”

I’ll let you know how my experiment in sales psychology turns out . . .
15:02
Wine Crazy!
» ‎ Get Your War On

My wife just sold, like, four bottles of wine to someone. They were looking for this hot wine called “Luzon Verde,” which we happen to have in stock because I just unloaded a case of it because it’s one of the bangin’-est new wines on the scene.

Another thing that happened was a wine salesman stopped by with his new catalog. But my wife and I aren’t authorized to buy any wine for the store, so we just accepted the catalog and said we would pass it along to the owners.

Then something really crazy happened — the wine salesman ASKED IF WE WANTED TO DRINK A SAMPLE OF WINE! He said, “Would you like to try the new Cote du Rhone”(?) and we were like, “Umm, no thank you because we’re both chewing gum at the moment.”

JUST ANOTHER DAY IN THE WORLD OF WINE . . . I think I could get used to this . . . Let me sell you some wine . . . city friends, come on up on the commuter train and I’ll sell you some delicious tasty wine like you wouldn’t believe . . .
11:20
Fine Sparkling Wine
» ‎ Get Your War On

Just sold a bottle of Carpene Malvolti Prosecco . . . a fine sparkling wine for your mind! The wine comes in a 750ml bottle — a big fat bottle — and you can drink it before a meal or on its own.

Come in and get some wine . . . it’s one of the all-time best drinks ever invented.
9:40
Wine Time
» ‎ Get Your War On

Here I am in the store, ready to SELL SOME WINE! Email me if you want to know where the store is. It is the best wine store in the Hudson Valley. (Would I work anywhere else?)

Looking around, I see over 100 bottles of wine. From bargain-priced reds (my favorite) to really expensive and fancy champagne! LET’S DO THIS!!!
January 02, 2009
13:12
Best Of 2008: POLLS
» ‎ Get Your War On

Lots of historical stuff happened in 2008, but I think the most significant development of the year was HOW AWESOME ALL THE POLLS WERE. Hardcore MNFTIU-Heads will remember that I commissioned about 500 polls in the immediate aftermath of the presidential election, and everyone was so excited about my polls they jumped up and down!

Here’s my list of the TOP TEN POLLS OF 2008:

1. Zogby/PPP Red State Tracker (3/6/08):
M: 25%
O: 51%
H: 8%
G: 52%
(n = 9,035)

2. Newsweek Online (5/12/08):
M: 23%
O: 94%
(n = 25,473,075)

3. MNFTIU “Gut Check 9000″ (11/3/08):
M: 14,023,082
O: 12,953,087
(n = 325,303,117)

4. Fivethirtyeight.com Aggregate Sample (10/30/08):
X: 58,004
Y: 208,011

5. USA Today/Gallup Tracker (10/30/08):
M: 8,260,987,460,987
O: 3,874,670,308,923
(Remember how crazy everyone got after this poll was released? Amazing.)

6. Gallup Robocall Special (7/12/08):
“Don’t Know”: 40%
“Don’t Fear The Reaper”: 15%

7. Zogby/Zagat Spaghetti Poll About Who Cooks The Best Spaghetti (8/1/08):
David Rees: 100%!!!!

8. Gallip (Gallup knock-off –ed.) SuperPoll TM(11/1/08):
M: 762,345%
O: 569,034%
(I smashed a car window after this poll was released.)

9. “Ultra-Decimal” Brand Tracking Poll (9/15/08):
M: 25.00029
O: 83.28062
H: 8.000015
G: 625.8222

10. New York Times/Washington Post 2012 Preview Poll (12/2/08):
H: 2539845
J: 908348
L: 965390
P: 087360
11:43
2009 Will Be The Best Year Ever.
» ‎ Get Your War On

All good in the Afghanihood:

Kept afloat by billions of dollars in American and other foreign aid, the government of Afghanistan is shot through with corruption and graft. From the lowliest traffic policeman to the family of President Hamid Karzai himself, the state built on the ruins of the Taliban government seven years ago now often seems to exist for little more than the enrichment of those who run it.

LOL, the “Good War.”
December 31, 2008
12:21
Best Of 2008: JOKES
» ‎ Get Your War On

Here it is, the one you’ve been waiting for: BEST JOKES OF THE YEAR!!!

1. “Hey, it’s really cold! I guess someone forgot to tell GLOBAL WARMING about that!”

2. “Hey, did you notice Hillary’s pants? I guess they really SUIT her!”

3. “Why do chickens make better lovers? Because they NUGGET!” (pronounce “nugget” like “snuggle”)

4. “Hey, the Olympics were in China! Does that mean everyone ate chinese food? Because does that mean they used chopsticks? Because gymnasts need to STICK their landings, so I bet that was great!”

5. “Why did the economy go to the psychologist? Because it was having DEPRESSION.”

6. “I guess President Bush is really excited to leave office and go home; after all he’s a real MOMMA’S BOY.”

7. “What did Rev. Jeremiah Wright say when his car broke down? GODDAMN CAR!”

8. “Hey, did you hear about Dick Cheney’s blog? It’s really crazy!”

9. “What’s the difference between MTV and VH1? Who knows, all I see is a bunch of weirdos jumping up and down!”

10. “I saw a really scary movie last night; it was called THE ECONOMY.”
9:46
Best Of 2008: MEMES
» ‎ Get Your War On

Memes are ideas that everyone on the internet talks about at the same time. 2008 was a great year for memes — you would need ten New York Times Sunday Magazines to really do them justice!

Here’s my list of the TOP TEN MEMES OF 2008:

1. “Make it yourself” (”MIY”)
2. “Blogs are like diaries”
3. “Go for the gold” (because of the Olympics)
4. “Bailout”
5. “Eat healthy, act healthy, BE healthy!”
6. “You only live once in 2008″
7. “SPICY MEATBALLS!!!”
8. “Privatize the profit, publicize the rest”
9. “Party like a rockstar”
10. “Computers, computers, computers … look at all the computers.”
December 30, 2008
16:24
Best Of 2008: FASHION
» ‎ Get Your War On

Can’t believe I forgot this one! 2008 was an exhilarating year for fashion. And with today’s economy, we can only assume it will get better, as people sink all their investments into the hottest fashions and courture (sp).

Here’s my list of the TOP TEN FASHIONS OF 2008:

1. Women’s Fashions
2. Men’s Fashions
3. Tween Fashions
4. Extreme Fashions
5. Political Fashions
6. War Fashions
7. Celebrity Fashions
8. Online Fashions
9. Community Fashions
10. Fun Fashions!
9:54
Best Of 2008: BOOKS
» ‎ Get Your War On

Empires may crumble and innocent lives may turn to dust, but books are forever. Literature is one of mankind’s noblest pursuits . . . yet more and more citizens would rather turn on their TV than open a book. America, what is happening to us. Anyway, 2008 was another great year for books.

Here’s my list of the TOP TEN BOOKS OF 2008:

1. Inspirational
2. Space Novels
3. Old-Time British Mystery
4. SuDoKu
5. Historical
6. Coffee Table
7. How-To
8. Cartoons
9. For Dummies
10. Bibles, misc. religious
December 26, 2008
13:16
Best Of 2008: DATING (by request)
» ‎ Get Your War On

Some say 2008 will forever be known as “the year of romance” because people went on so many dates with each other. Whether at bars, clubs, museums, or concerts, you could always find people on dates. Sometimes they were even holding hands. Sometimes they were like, “Ooh, you’re so cute, I love this date we’re having, let’s go home and make a baby.” America, where did we go wrong?

Here’s my list of the TOP TEN DATING-RELATED TRENDS OF 2008:

1. “What’s your name on myspace?”

2. Blind dates

3. Talking politics over a glass of wine

4. Splitting the bill — THE NEW NORMAL?

5. “Ladies first”

6. Match.com lawsuit: Everyone on the site has to date everyone else on the site

7. TiVO dates (”I’ll record 60 Minutes and we can watch it on our date”)

8. Meeting chicks/chucks at book clubs: joining twenty book clubs in order to meet chicks/chucks; not reading the books; not even knowing what a book is

9. Riding the bus

10. Eating at an Italian restaurant
9:34
This Week’s Chuckle-A-Bits
» ‎ Get Your War On
December 23, 2008
10:00
Recent Giggle-Me-GYWOs
» ‎ Get Your War On
8:35
Best Of 2008: JOGGING
» ‎ Get Your War On

Jogging is great exercise for the active lifestyle. It feeds the heart, the legs, and the soul. At times during the year, it felt like all my friends were jogging. Maybe if Americans spent more time jogging and less time worshipping false idols, we wouldn’t have all these crazy problems we have. America, where did we go wrong.

Anyway, here’s my list of the TOP TEN JOGGING OF 2008:

1. Adidas Running
2. Olympics
3. Nike (still my favorite brand, gotta buy the shoes)
4. In The Park
5. Hurdles (a.k.a. “Jump-Jogging”)
6. Racing Jogging (a.k.a. “Running in a race”)
7. Chinese People Jogging
8. Stretching Exercises
9. Obama
10. Bush (c’mon guys, when you see him jogging, don’t you sort of love him and forgive him for everything?)
December 22, 2008
14:17
Best Of 2008: SPAGHETTI
» ‎ Get Your War On

Simply put, 2008 was one of the greatest years for spaghetti in decades. And this made me very happy, because I LOVE SPAGHETTI.

Here’s my list — think of it as a celebration — of the TOP TEN SPAGHETTI OF 2008:

1. Pasta
2. Risotto
3. Calamari (I try to eat this once a day for my health)
4. Red Sauce
5. Lasagna Spaghetti
6. Italiano
7. Muffalo Primo Zergotti
8. Presto
9. Ragu Limited Edition: Artisan Jar Sauce
10. George Lucas Signature Pasta Spaghetti
10:47
Best Of 2008: DESIGN
» ‎ Get Your War On

Good design lifts our spirits and improves our lives.

Here are the TOP TEN DESIGNS OF 2008:

1. Shoes
2. Luxury
3. Canoe
4. Flat-Screen TV
5. Balloons
6. Coffee Cups
7. Garden Hoses Painted Like Rattlesnakes With Real Rattles
8. “Apple Chancery Extreme” Font
9. The Biggest Sunglasses Of All Time
10. McCain/Palin Logo
December 19, 2008
17:03
Best Of 2008: CATCHPHRASES
» ‎ Get Your War On

I consider myself a catchphrase connoisseur. I’m always on the hunt for the hot new bit of cultural slang that will have the office-water-cooler-chatter buzzing. 2008 was a great year for catchphrases!

Here is my list of the TOP TEN CATCHPHRASES OF 2008:

1. “Later for you”
2. “Talk to my hand”
3. “You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me”
4. “Change”
5. “Two and a half men”
6. “Ya think?!?” (My friend Mike was rocking this phrase all year)
7. “See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya”
8. “How’s the weather up there because of how tall you are?” (said to a tall person)
9. “Checked the stocks today? Better yet, DON’T!” (this catchphrase is about the financial recession)
10. “I saw it online”
12:07
ALERT: Friday Face-Offs SNOWED OUT
» ‎ Get Your War On

Apologies to all my FFO-Heads; there’s just too much snow to access this week’s Friday Face-Offs.
December 18, 2008
14:34
Akon Fishkill Fan Toss Drama!!!
» ‎ Get Your War On

If you think there’s no drama in Dutchess County (exclusive county where I live), you obviously didn’t hear about the controversy last year when R&B superstar Akon threw some teenager off the stage at the KFEST concert in Fishkill.

We’ve been talking about it ever since! And now it’s been resolved:

After Akon entered his plea, Smith (teenager who got tossed — ed.) and his parents lingered in the lobby while Akon and his attorney filled out paperwork, accompanied by a bodyguard and an unidentified woman. Smith’s parents had left the lobby and Smith was passing through a door to leave when he turned around, walked up to Akon, shook the singer’s hand and said, “Thanks a lot.”

Akon apologized several times to Smith, but was interrupted by the victim’s father, who said, “You threw my son off the stage.”

Speaking truth to power . . . Fishkill style.

Video of the incident:

WTF . . . Fishkill style.
12:12
Best Of 2008: Film
» ‎ Get Your War On

Ladies and gentlemen, I love movies. If I could, I would watch ten movies a day. Some critics worried that 2008 wouldn’t be a good year for cinema, but I certainly enjoyed myself. Here is my personal list of the TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2008:

1. Thriller
2. Romance
3. Mystery
4. Historical
5. Documentary
6. Horror
7. Porno
8. Loud
9. Space Thriller
10. Superhero
12:11
Best Of 2008: Cars And Trucks
» ‎ Get Your War On

Detroit may be in trouble, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t see some incredible cars and trucks this year. Japan, Europe, and other countries also stepped up to the plate to hit it out of the park, cars-and-trucks-wise. I’m a bit of a car nut, so it’s my pleasure to present a list of the TOP TEN CARS AND TRUCKS OF 2008:

1. Sports Cars
2. Trucks
3. SUVs
4. Convertibles
5. Buses
6. “Green Technology” Cars
7. Sedans
8. Lamborghini (best car ever)
9. Ford F-150
10. Hummer
11:03
Best Of 2008: Scandals
» ‎ Get Your War On

If you like scandal, 2008 was your year. At times it felt like everyone who was famous was embroiled in scandal. What have we become, America? In any case, here are the TOP TEN SCANDALS OF 2008:

1. Sex
2. Political
3. Money
4. Illegal
5. Fights
6. Sports
7. Animal-Related
8. Space (when NASA tried to crash an asteroid into the moon to increase funding)
9. Ponzi Scandal
10. Obesity
10:15
Best Of 2008: Technology
» ‎ Get Your War On

Once again, the year saw multiple innovations on the technology front. All those nerds must sure be working hard! Hooray for them, and for everyone who buys their wonderful gadgets and gizmos. Here are the TOP TEN TECHNOLOGIES OF 2008:

1. Television (still the best, the technology against which all technologies must be judged)
2. Auto-Tune
3. Satellite Radio
4. Computers
5. Radar
6. Heat-Seeking Missiles
7. Google (I used it more than 500 times this year)
8. Ultra-Fast Photocopiers
9. Fake Eyeballs With Built-In Computer Sensors
10. Cyberspace Thing
9:52
Best Of 2008: Transplants
» ‎ Get Your War On

Did you hear about that whole face transplant thing? Did that blow your mind? Well, that wasn’t even the top transplant of 2008. Here are the TOP TRANSPLANTS OF 2008:

1. Foot Transplant
2. Five-Finger Discount Finger Transplant (this is where you shoplift someone’s fingers and transplant them onto your hand)
3. Lung Transplant
4. Face Transplant
5. Liver Transplant
6. Full-Body, Monkey-to-Human Transplant
7. Heart Transplant
8. Elbow Transplant
9. Hair Transplant
10. Transplant Transplant, a.k.a. “Hand-Me-Down Transplant”
8:27
Best Of 2008: Magazines
» ‎ Get Your War On

Although the magazine industry has hit some rocky waters (can waters be rocky? –ed.), editors and writers still provided many inspiring, amazing moments in 2008. Here are the TOP TEN MAGAZINES OF 2008:

1. News
2. Women’s Fashion
3. Sports
4. International Boats
5. Cigar
6. Men’s Lifestyle
7. Tween
8. Old Citizens’ Needs
9. Financial
10. Special Issues

Seriously, though: I will always remember 2008 as the year I finally gave up on the Sunday NY Times Magazine . . . LOL, good magazine, guys . . . it’s really become a “must-read” in my house . . . LOL, lots of great articles about how What I buy says about who I am(?) and how How I watch screens says what I like is really who I am(?)
December 17, 2008
16:34
Best Of 2008: Times
» ‎ Get Your War On

Who was it who sang, “The times, they’re changing?” Well, whoever it was, he obviously knew about 2008. Here is an (admittedly idiosyncratic) list of the TOP TIMES OF 2008:

1. 10:30 AM
2. Noon (can’t hate on noon, one of the all-time greats)
3. 5:00 PM
4. 3:30 PM
5. 8:15 AM
6. 7:33 PM OR AM
7. Midnight
8. “Quarter-past n,” where n = some time
9. 2:15 PM
10. 12:00 (blinking on VCR especially!)